Real talk in real-time

I am an excellent writer. I have come a long hard way, to become the refined gem that I am now in my craft. But the one thing that I haven’t mastered in writing, honestly, is conveying my real-life feelings in real-time. Telling my story has always been a challenge. Even though I officially disclosed my entire life story in the middle of the one book I just published, it was the toughest part of the whole project. Emotions run high & judgment is a big factor, not to mention, other people’s business, reputations or privacy is at stake, or worse… people could potentially be hurt or incriminated. So, hence, I was quick to develop a skill of not “naming names.” Plus, if ANYTHING is unhealed from your story, it will show. And that is never… a good look.

Emotional ties tend to cloud objectivity, like when the plaintiff is a family member & you’re on the jury. The pure channel gets staticy, the waves get choppy, the call drops. Unkempt emotions will thus attempt to interfere with any sacred stream of consciousness & complicate the otherwise unimpeded providence of that certain caliber of inspired written flow a good writer has. But, I am gonna go for it anyway, despite all that, because it’s the only way I will improve that underserved area of my writing expertise. I really have nothing to lose at this point by doing so. If I based my readership range on likes & shares, it surely would appear as if no one ever reads my stuff. If & when they do, I barely get an iota of feedback, so I would never know anyway. Like I said… what to lose? Nada.

I am a kind person, I’m not trying to hurt anybody or make anyone feel bad. I have no real ill will anymore towards anyone. No need to forgive anyone for anything, when you have healed. It is what it is. But, ya know, ya can’t go around just people-pleasing all the time & hiding your true feelings just for the sake of being PC on some level you may think is appropriate. What IS appropriate… is to be true to oneself. Anything otherwise is comparable to a type of dumbing down, or it’s like being a vegan & hanging out at the “Wild Wing Cafe” cause that’s where your friends choose to go. Your first loyalty is to your own voice.

That said, I am not gonna keep pretending like it’s okay or that it is “normal,” that I literally have zero support in life, for me, my dreams, goals, plans or endeavors. I think it’s actually safe to say, I have no support system. I have zero family that cares enough in any way shape or form, as to actually take TIME out of their lives to reach out, engage with me, get to know me or have anything to really do with me, so to speak, let alone say a single word about my books or whatnot. I bet not one single person in my entire family, extended or otherwise… even knows the names of my cats. The only semblance of home I ever have or feel is when I watch my prized collection of Diane Keaton movies. I get grounded & reset every time, thank god for Hollywood.

I can only guess that most of the bridges are burnt somehow. And the ones that are not burnt, were just never even built in the first place. I have no brothers & sisters, & both of my parents were NOT family people that cared to keep connections alive. All my friendships are dead. And, every contact I have ever had has no meaning or value for me anymore. I may as well just literally delete every number in my phone, like all 100 of them. I am not a part of any family, circle, tribe, or community. People from my past, just aren’t there anymore. I don’t seem to attract anyone who “gets me” on any other level than a surfacy one, which is a far cry from anyone that even reads my stuff or pays any attention to what I believe in & stand for. Except, the one security guard guy at the local grocery store. He bought my books… but I think he just thinks that maybe, somehow if he is lucky, that will get him closer to my bed. I’m not lying. Good guy & all, but he is MARRIED. I’m through with that phase of my life where I sneak around with unavailable men. I’ve since become more virtuous these days, if you will.

I have one Christian friend who carves minutes out of her otherwise busy life for me (typically when en route), once a month, & she is really only there for me because I seemingly have no one else, & it’s the Christian thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, our friendship is mutual & genuine, but it’s a long-distance one at best & yes, she is my ONE emergency contact. So besides her & a couple of estranged texts from former associates… my ex-boyfriend’s mom, the former “monster-in-law” for lack of a better way to describe it, is the only person who has congratulated me on my books after they were published. The ex-mom-in-law actually responded to my heart-felt group email I put so much time & effort into, which is more than I can say for pretty much everyone else on that list, all 300 of them. That’s pretty nuts if ya ask me. All those emails couldn’t have all gotten lost, lol. Anyway, she is the only person who I know actually read all my books, likes them & leaves good reviews. To be honest… for an ex-mother-in-law from 6 years ago to be the only one I feel SEES me? You can’t tell me that’s not awkward.

Then, we have the singular phone call. It’s the ONE phone call I ever get besides creditors, & the student loan forgiveness people. It is an ex ex-boyfriend from a really long time ago, & because I never answer, he winds up leaving silly drunk messages on my voicemail that never make any sense. I have a collection of them at this point. He’s married with a stepson & has been blowing up my phone religiously 3x a week for the past 2 years straight, to no avail. I mean, okay, it makes me feel loved sorta, but, that’s weird. The cute chubby lady that works here in the shopping center, is my weekly go-to for a soul sister pow wow giggle in the cashier’s line for 10 minutes each week. And who knew the Amazon customer service agent would be the one person I talked to, the entirety of the Christmas holiday.

I mean, I am blessed to the max, don’t get me wrong. I have a charming little sparkly life with my 2 great cosmic cats in my tiny bohemian sage-smudged sanctuary. My solitary life is actually pretty amazing in its own right or else I wouldn’t write & sell books on how to have a good life, lol. My blessings are not even remotely based on people though, as against popular belief as that sounds. It is based on many other valuable factors. What I do have in the way of people in my life, is treasured, of course. I am certainly grateful for all the indiscriminate Earth Angels that speckle my path, even though the connections are oddly scarce & more or less surfacy at this stage of the game. I gotta say, if “what comes around goes around” happened in any kind of obvious way, if tit for tat was the equation, you’d think I was a total asshole. But the truth is, I’m the polar opposite of asshole, my M.O. is “Secret Santa” out in society & on social media. So, this friend/family/people desert happening to my life right now, has got to be some kind of “necessary evil” to the next chapter. I can accept that, but it still doesn’t make it feel good.

So, as I was saying… then we have the neighbor across the way who is the only person I hang out with on a regular basis & that is only because he has no family, friends or life either. We kind of find solace in each other’s company every other weekend for approx 2 hours, when he takes me to run errands because I have no wheels right now. But what you have to understand about this guy, is… he has such a heavy southern draw, that I seriously do not understand anything he says unless I pay really close attention. Our friendship basically consists of him flirting & me laughing it off, & then I usually vent for 20 minutes somewhere in-between, so I can get stuff off my chest. The guy is a sweet man, but we are just friends unfortunately for him. And, with all due respect, I don’t think he would ever be into anything I write about, he is your epitome of a “simple man” who has either fished or worked in a factory setting his whole life, for all intents & purposes. His apartment consists of a bed, a TV & a big dirty smoldering ashtray.

Then, there’s the older “dad guy” friend who used to be my next-door neighbor, til I found his son dead from an overdose when he wasn’t there. Now he has moved downtown, & even though he gets social security checks, he drives Uber so he can support his recreational coke habit. He only calls every other month when he dries out, to rattle on about politics. Then afterward he typically sends me like literally 35 follow-up text messages containing links to all kinds of controversial articles. Then there’s the other “dad guy” friend who I met because he had a Casio keyboard for sale on Craigslist when I first moved here 5 years ago & I bought it. We are still friends. He’s married, retired, & watches his grandkids all the time, & can only sneak out to talk to me once in a while for like 10 minutes if I’m lucky. Yes, he is supportive from a distance, shows me some compassion when I need it, but again, doesn’t read my books or is really a part of my life other than scant phone calls over the years. Don’t get me wrong… those phone calls mean a heck of a lot, considering my circumstances. He kind of serves as a surrogate uncle or something.

In the current state of my connections, it appears that no one has time for me. Everybody has a family of their own, a circle, responsibilities, commitments, loyalties, people that take precedence & priority well over whoever I even am to them. The person that does have time for me, the ex ex… is in an unhappy marriage, on disability & is always drunk, so that doesn’t count. My MOTHER is still alive, & lives in Australia with a whole nother family, for 15 years now, & she only contacts me via email once in a blue moon with some generic “hope you’re well” note. Once in a while, she will discreetly chime in like how she just subscribed to my new YouTube channel the other day under AN ALIAS, mind you. But, who has time for games? Life is too short & precious to be a weird clandestine person in the background of your only daughter’s life, allegedly hiding it from your husband & his family, for some ridiculous reason. Yeah, that’s real good for the kid’s self-esteem, lol. Lucky I’m grown & don’t rely on others for my self-worth.

Speaking of mothers, we then have the woman who served as a surrogate sister/best friend/mom, that was my go-to person for just about everything. I’ve known her for 30 years, & basically talked to her every single week for the past 5 years. This was the only real enduring relationship I thought I had in my life. But, the blinders came off when all of a sudden she dropped out of my life right before Christmas, for reasons beyond me. All I know is… she was in a kind of dark place. So, I’m gonna just let it go at that & try not to take it personally. Then, we have the former best friend/travel partner/colleague who recently walked back into my life via phone/text. She & I were enthusiastically acting like we were gonna resume where we left off, & then suddenly she straight dropped right off, a day after that very phone call, despite my efforts to maintain the connection. A cornerstone of friendship… is being AVAILABLE, as far as I’m concerned. Otherwise, you just feel rejected & not important enough in a friendship that’s anything less. My own 16-year old son & his entire adoptive family who used to support me & communicate with me, just don’t now anymore either. I text my son & I get zero reply, & same thing with most everyone else I text, it’s very strange. If someone were to ever want to spend actual TIME with me right now, I think I’d be floored at this point.

The theme of my life now is literally “radio silence.” No one has given me any substantial or significant support, love, care, compassion or encouragement at this stage of my dreams, what-so-ever. This is precisely why I dedicated both of my newest books to my cats & the animals of the world. At least my cats love & support me, which is more than I can say for ANYBODY that I know, with all due respect to the aforementioned people. Even though, I have had a handful of compliments/congrats via text from certain former friends & colleagues, maybe 2 or 3 likes on Insta & Fb, & my Dad’s sister sent me ONE nice text… it pales in comparison to what I believe I truly deserve. Not to sound arrogant, but the work I do is worthy of great recognition, high regard & accolades. My elite team of benevolent Spirit Guides that channel this material through me, are no joke. Not sure why it seems like people are not taking me seriously when I say that these books are official. These books are NEXT LEVEL & are indefinitely meant for the masses or else I wouldn’t boast them the way I do. I’m obviously grateful for what love, praise or acknowledgment I do receive. But, if you were me, you would feel slighted by pretty much every single person you have ever been associated with too. Sometimes I just chalk it up to my imagination. But clearly… at this point, now that I have gone as far as writing this blog… IT’S NOT.

Here’s a kicker… so I send a group email to what I am calling “the soul tribe” group of people who essentially were my online mentors all summer for all intents & purposes. I sent this email to thank them & to let them know that I gave each & every one of them a special shout-out & “plug” in BOTH of my books. Well, I did manage to receive email replies from 2 assistants that confirmed receipt. Then I received three actual replies of congrats from 3 mentors, which I am super grateful for & to be honest, helped to significantly keep the good vibes afloat. Because, frankly, I felt snubbed by the others, especially considering that I singled out a few & wrote them personal heartfelt messages. But to no avail, I was pretty much rejected or ignored by people that I really thought better of, who I wrote generous things about in my books, which is somewhat disheartening to say the least. Then the cherry on the top was my copywriting teacher whom I had a real-life virtual rapport with, basically came at me & called my dreams SPAM, pretty much, because I seemingly do not fit into her BOX. As far as I am concerned, she could have approached me on a more considerate tip. That said, I have been feeling discouraged lately, I’m only human. I have been rejected over & over & over & over. I have been ignored, dissed, abandoned, avoided, treated like I have the plague on social media & LinkedIn. It is starting to wear on me.

Everybody is either too famous, in-demand, exclusive or already has a network they have allegiance to. People are too involved with their projects, businesses, big dreams, love affairs, kids, pets, plans, relationships, responsibilities, families, jobs, careers, chores, errands, school, activities. People are consumed, distracted, on a schedule & have allegiance to everything that’s important to them. Essentially, no body has room for me at the table. I get it. I’m not mad. I just feel like I have to say it out loud, before it drives me totally up a wall, cause I have no one to vent it to. This past Christmas morning, an old friend from H.S. sent me her email address with the green light to send her my press release & that was literally the best thing that happened to me that whole day, if that says anything. People who have stuck around in the background of my life, faintly lingering, are just being polite as far as I’m concerned. Folks that were my restaurant customers at some point who had a special rapport with me back then, are beginning to now fade almost indefinitely out of the picture, I can feel it on both a fundamental & energetic level.

I had a boss one time at a restaurant I worked at 6 years ago, that fired me & when he did, he said that he only hired me in the first place because he felt sorry for me, not because of my resume, skills, personality or because I was qualified. Well, that stuck with me, because that was really insulting, not to mention he fired me for a totally unfair sexist reason, on my 40th birthday & actually had the nerve to slight my weight in the process. My point is, that even though I’m long over it, sometimes I feel like the girl from 6 years ago, even though I am totally NOT that girl anymore, anger issues & mommy /daddy issues & all. I am done feeling like the stray dog or the orphan, the one that has no kids, family or partner, the damaged goods, the addict archetype, the party girl, the late bloomer, the one who has no place to go on holidays or whatever. I might stand alone in this room with two cats, but I’m on the verge of a really great new beginning, I just know it.

I’ve been camped out in a graveyard of sorts for quite some time. Even my FB friend collection feels like just another dimension of dead relationships that no longer serve me. No matter how many new groups I join or new virtual friends I add… it just seems like a fruitless endeavor. It’s hard to watch people fade away that don’t match you anymore. It’s hard to watch like when you don’t love a mate anymore & you break the news. You want them to be happy and so you continue to try to serve them in some way, but to no avail because what they need you no longer have. And, vice versa. That said, from now on I’ve decided to pretend that no one is watching & just DANCE. I will keep producing, publishing & creating. That’s what I do, that’s what I got, that’s my purpose & that is what I am here for.

I’m not going to lower the volume of my spirit, dim my light, or dull my shine, just because I feel like people can’t handle it, aren’t paying attention, are too busy, don’t really give a hoot or appear to vehemently resist most of the uncomfortable truths that I typically unmask. I’m not gonna NOT use big or extravagant words sometimes cause the reader might have to Google it. (God forbid, my stuff isn’t on a 5th-grade reading level) Life is not about making yourself small to fit in. And life is too short to stew in a cemetery of headstones that read in small print: here lies everything you’ve ever known that no longer serves you. The little voice in my head is whispering loudly: “Step away from the creepy woods & worn stones of old.” So, I’m just gonna boldly step forward & release whatever unhealthy crap is wallpapering my comfort zone, and soar on, friends… & you should too, if you are feeling that is what you need to do also.

The most precious gift you can give someone is your TIME, most of all… then, of course, your undivided attention, & being 100% authentic is always a given. And, I don’t get that from anyone, really, especially from the “usual suspects,” like the mom, friend, aunt, cousin, son. Quick example, I sent a handful of text messages back home to like 5 or 6 people including my son, his brothers, my cousin, & 2 guys I consider like brothers… about my books & my new YouTube channel & I received ZERO reply. That was a week or two ago. No congrats, no encouragement, no NOTHING, but radio silence. But, two days ago, I did get a random text from my son’s mother saying he got his driving permit. Which of course I cordially congratulated him on, like a respectful considerate human being that has manners should.

I refuse to give up. I might not have a family or support or intimacy or anyone who really believes in me or would even notice If I was gone or dead in here for a few days before decomp set in… but, I am okay with that. I believe in me, & my Angels, guides & cats do too, & that’s what I got. It’s just more of a reason to continue to be blatantly honest with real talk in real-time, push forward with everything I have inside, not feel defeated, attacked or falsely defined, & especially not allow old programs to sabotage my greatness & foreseeable success. I am going to keep believing in my dreams despite the odds. I didn’t come this far to not be seen or heard. I am meant for big things, the curtain is just about to open. I will keep you posted then, thanks for reading.

Click below to get your copies of my two new books & read all about my life story in them. Or follow any of the links to jump on my team, would love to have ya. And, I made an incredible “music video” for my books down below featured on my new Youtube channel if you want to check out my newest Art. Just PRESS PLAY below & it won’t even redirect, it plays right here & now. Thanks!

The Opportunity Knocks Box:

“It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It don’t matter, anyhow

An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe

If you don’t know by now

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window and I’ll be gone

You’re the reason I’m trav’lin’ on

Don’t think twice, it’s all right…”

—-Bob Dylan